I didn't mean to stay away for this long -- there's just been a lot going on and a lot I needed to sort through. Don't know if I've really come to any conclusions, but I'm pretty okay with life again, which is a good thing.
I had a pretty significant meltdown after receiving the email. As my last post indicated, I truly felt like I was back at the beginning, and the mere thought of going through all that pain again was more than I could handle. Somehow I got through it. Actually, I know how -- it's was with the help of some of you out there (You know who you are!). Without your help and advice and just the willingness to listen to me fall apart helped more than you will ever know. So thank you all very much.
Okay. So, that was another dark period that I went through and came out the other side. I still haven't responded to the email. I still haven't figured out what I want to say to him...if I really want to say anything. Accepting his apology isn't something I feel I'm ready to do, but then that in a way makes me feel small.
I don't know. It's a no-win situation, but no one says I have to play the game to its conclusion right now. So, I guess when I know what I want to do, I'll do it. Also, I'm still trying to figure out why this was thrown at me...(you know me, I am convinced that EVERYTHING happens for a reason)..but I guess that's another thing that when I am meant to know, I will know. this blind faith stuff can be a pain at times.
Other than that, nothing is really going on. My birthday came and went (it was Tuesday in case you're wondering). 37 feels no different than 36...
Well, one thing did happen. My sweetie and I had a LONG talk about his reaction to my meltdown (which in case I didn't post about it was stoic followed by a complete shutdown of emotion and effection toward me - doube OUCH!) -- and he finally admitted was I had suspected (and hoped): he's not good with raw emotion...and tends to match it with raw emotion of his own. He didn't think his falling apart would help me, nor did he think I would appreciate his going after the first available target to take out his frustrations. Actually, he KNEW I wouldn't appreciate the latter, cuz the last time he did it, I went ballistic on him. So his solution was to shut down and avoid me. Makes sense, but it really didn't help the situation. I didn't think he was ever trying to make light of it in the first place, I just couldn't understand why, when I needed him so much he was completely shut off from me. But as I've said in previous posts, he didn't sign on for all this and it probably is unfair that it gets piled on him...but he has his share of dragons that need slayed as well, so...
But this also relates to my realization that my dragons are mine to slay. if i don't kill them...If I'm not there to watch them die...how will I know they are truly gone? So in a way he kinda did me a favor. If he would have been a different person, then I could have just hid behind him...but since he is who he is, I was forced to stand on my own and fight my own battle.
And I lived to tell the tale. The Phoenix is still intact. I guess that's the blessing I am supposed to take away for the day.
Well, that's about it. Nothing new on the eSTRANGEd front, the kid is behaving herself, and the other men in my life are sweet, weird and quirky as usual. I'm still working, still writing, and still taking things day by day, hour by hour...if anything changes, you'll be the second to know. Me being first, of course.
Namaste! And I won't stay away so long next time.
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