Those of you who know me and/or read my 100 Things About Me and My Life post know that I endured a traumatic and painful experience back in July, and that the aftershocks of that expereince are still being felt.
Well, I've just had another major aftershock and it's really sent me spinning back down toward the flames that I am trying so desperately to rise from.
I had my fourth HIV test today. I'll get the results back on Wednesday. I'm not really concerned about the test results..my doctor seems confident that if the beginnings of HIV were going to present themselves, they would have by now. Plus, I got it on good authority that "hE" was HIV-free. But just to be safe and to keep an eye on other issues (I also had to have another pelvic exam -- "hE" caused some rather extensive damage, to the point that whether I could have anymore kids was called into question. I'm completely healed and having kids is still possible, so I'm grateful for that.)
So, I'm HIV-free (most likely) and I can still have kids. I should be jumping for joy, right? I should be thanking my H.P. that things didn't turn out differently and that I am still here to blog about it, right?
Then why am I so fuckin' sad, scared and angry?
I know the answer to all three --
WHY I'M ANGRY
"hE" emailed me. To apologize. It seems that part of his "rehabilitation program" requires that he contact all the people he's wronged, apologize and offer to make amends.
In the email he says he has "anger issues" (no SHIT!) and is trying very hard to work through his issues through therapy.
THERAPY
T-H-E-R-A-P-Y!
The bastard raped and tortured me and I'm paying for his therapy (as a taxpayer). And as a special parting gift for playing along...I get to pay for MY therapy too!
That's why I'm angry.
WHY I'M SAD
NOTE - Some transference follows, but cut me some slack, I've had a long six months!
The men in my life vascillate between wanting to slay all my dragons for me and pretending the dragons aren't there and that I'm crazy for seeing them. I love them both dearly, and I cannot imagine where I would be without them...but they just don't get it.
Case in point, I just got off the phone with Rich about an hour ago. I have very little doubt that if it came down to it, Rich would give up his life to save mine. (And no, I'm not gloating...that's just the kind of guy he is!) He asked me how my exam went -- I told him, and then I told him about the email.
Complete and total stoicism. "He's getting the treatment he needs to maybe one day become a productive member of society", he said. "At least our tax money is going for something needed and not to fund a war or bail out a country that will never pay us back!" He said. (Notice -- His views, not mine, please don't flame me right now.) Then he made helpful 'suggestions' such as I should change my email address and cell phone number, contact the authorities and have me taken off his list and be grateful that he's no longer an active part of society.
I listened to him for a few minutes, then made up an excuse and got off the phone. Then I went down to my car and cried for fifteen minutes. Been crying on and off ever since.
What did I want him to do? Nothing really, cuz there isn't anything he can do. What I wanted was for him to be as outraged as I was. What I needed was for him to put his arms around me, tell me it's okay to be sad and scared, promise me nothing bad would ever happen to me again (yes, lie) and tell me things will be okay. But instead I got a practical how to list to put into use.
I'm thinking I got the reaction i got because he couldn't be with me at the moment and the thought that I was hurting was too much for him to really take, so he went all stoic on me. I want to think that when i do see him he'll be different (he usually is)...but that doesn't make the hurt any less right now.
But in a way, it's not fair to him to have to adjust how he reacts to things. He can only give me what he has, and if that's not enough to appease me, then that is my issue, and perhaps I need to reevlauate the relationship. He didn't ask to deal with this situation any more than I did -- cept he started dating me knowing the baggage I was carrying. And maybe it's selfish of me to expect someone to take all this on...
WHY I'M SCARED
I'm afraid that I will always feel this raw, this vulnerable, this alone in a room full of people. I'm afriad that I will never be completely like the phoenix...that just as I'm about to take complete flight, the flames suck my back down to the ash. I'm afraid that I will never feel completely whole, that it will always seem like a piece of me is missing. I'm afraid I'll forget who ME is. (I am...whatever)
And I'm scared that I now realize something -- no one can slay my dragons for me. They're my dragons and I must slay them. And yeah, that scares the hell out of me. But at least it's a purpose, and now i can work on a plan.
I will fly again...but for now, I'm going to hide inside my wings and protect myself.
~Namaste...and thank you for reading all this. ~
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