I'm A Phoenix Rising...Come Fly With Me...

Goodbye...

Tomorrow he leaves. I thought I would be thrilled that he's walking out the door...but each box that lines our hallway and the bedroom is just a painful reminder that 9 years of my life is coming to an sad end. It wasn't supposed to be like this. What the f@!#& happened to "til death do us part?" This...THIS wasn't part of the plan.

But...it is what it is...and deep Deep DEEP down I know in my heart that this is the best thing for both of us. We've spent the last few years shoving each other away and finding ways to hurt each other. And, I don't know about him, but I'm plum outta ideas.

Natalie Merchant  did a song called Seven Years...and it's been playing in my head over and over all day. Here are the lyrics...it sums up my life better than I can...

Seven Years

How did I love you?
there was no measuring
far above this dirty world
far above everything
in your tower over it
you were clean

so warm and insightful
were you in my eyes
I was sure the rightful
guardian of my life
damn you betrayer
how you lied

but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet

for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee

you were , you were
all I could see

I've got my sight now
I see everything you hid
so don't you try to right now
all the wrong you did
I might forget you
but never forgive

but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet

for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee

And for seven years
you were so revered
I made offerings of
anything and everything I had

You were , you were
all I could see

(repeat 5x)

This time tomorrow it will be a new year, and I will be a new person with a new life. I don't know what the next 365 days will bring, but I am going to walk the path and keep my pact with my Higher Power and find the good in each day.

Being I'm the phoenix..perhaps I'll fly instead...

5 Months...

   
   

...since my life was forever changed.
...since an asshole decided to take his rage on the world out on me.
...since I had to endure an embarassing and painful exam
...since I had to endure a humilating and angering interrogation with police
...since I saw the utter fear and helplessness in my best friend's eyes

Since then...

I've come to terms with what happened. I'm not over it (not by a long shot), but I accept that it did happen and that my life will never be the same. It no longer occupies my every waking moment -- and the nightmares are rare now. And I'm keeping my pact with my Higher Power -- I am finding the beauty and reason to live within and around me every day. Some days is easier than others.

Several people have suggested I get some counseling. Although I am not against traditional therapy -- I've been in therapy in the past -- I know that traditional therapy doesn't work for me. It goes against my grain. Most therapists don't appreciate my humor -- they insist that it is masking other "issues". Um..maybe it is, but it's worked for me for 30+ years, and I am in NO HURRY to change that part of me. Anyway, the few therapists I have spoken to about this issue wanted to put me on medication. Um..no again. So, I will promise this -- if I get to the point where I can no longer function, THEN I will seek counseling. Otherwise, please stop with the therapy suggestions, okay?

On that note, I will sign off. I'm gonna go try out the wings...

Introducing...

The new love of my life and bane of my existence:

This is Toberlone. Yes, he's a chocolate Lab. Hershey was already taken and Nestle just didn't seem to suit him.

He was a rescue -- the puppy spent most of the time chained out in the backyard, oftentimes the chain long enough for him to wander into the blind alley that led to the back of the apartment complex where his "owners" lived. My friend Rich finally asked the "owners" if they would be willing to give the puppy to a family who could take care of it. They said yes, and thus, Toberlone (who up to this point had only been referred to as 'stupid / damn / f$%^&*! puppy') came to live with us.

Doesn't he look so peaceful and demure sitting and eating?

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME HE'S STILL!!!!

Oh. My. God. I had forogtten what is was like to have a pappy in the house! And I never had a 50lb. puppy (he's only 6 months old). The vet says he very likely will DOUBLE in size and that he will stay in puppy mentality until 2 or 3 years of age.

Oh great. Just what I need -- a 100lb.+ dog sliding body first into my sliding glass doors. A 100lb. puppy leaping up on me every morning to be let outside. A 100lb. puppy who goes through a 20lb. bag of dog food a week...

Of course, I would be happy if he would just stop eating my shoes. And the banister. Or the linoleum in the bathroom. Or the Angel from the top of the Christmas tree. Or the tree for that matter.

He ate the lid off my travel coffee mug. My philadendron (sp)? Destroyed. 24 sugar cookies -- devoured.

The worst thing he's eaten (for him anyway) were the 4 Ibuprofen tablets. I called my vet -- he asked me if he had a full stomach or not (a full stomach would slow down the absorption on the meds and therefore make it less toxic). Anyway, the doc asked if he had a full stomach. I laughed.

Me: He's constantly eating...I'm sure he does.
Doc: what has he eaten today?
Me: 2 bowls of puppy kibble, 5 milk bones, the other dog's collar, half a roasted chicken, a cap from a gallon of milk, half a shoe, a chunck of pepperoni...
Doc: Okay...I think he'll be fine. Just give him some activated charcoal and keep an eye on him. If he seems sluggish bring him in. You can put the tablets in the middle of a peanut butter sandwich -- he'll eat the tablets and not even realize it. Provided he's not too full.

I laughed and hung up the phone. Provided he wasn't too full. That would be a first.

Anyway, when he's not destroying...er...eating me out of house and home, he's a sweet puppy. He loves to be around people, loves to play fetch, loves to have his belly rubbed, ears scratched...he's a cutie and I am glad we took him in and he seems happy here.

But if he chews up my black patent leather FMPs...then he's gonna have a BIG problem!

It's that time again...

It's time for the obligatory "New Year's Resolution" promises, proposals and pipe dreams.

Well, for everyone else, anyway. I don't make New Year's Resolutions. Just sets me up to fail. Sure, I could resolve to lose 50lbs. this year. My actual plan is to lose 380lbs...350 of it being my husband.

*rim shot goes here* Thank you...you're too kind! I'll be here all week..try the prime rib, it's delish!

Hum, maybe I should resolve to become a better humor writer...

But I digress.

I don't make resolutions. I make a list of things I would like to accomplish in a year and then do my best to check those things off as the next 365 days whizz by. And at this point in my life, they do whizz...you hear 'em hissing when they coming...buzzing when they're here and listen to them fade away as they pass. Life's Doppler Effect, so to speak.

On a completely unrelated note, the beverage warmer I got really works. I put an ice cold cup of coffee on it, and within 10 minutes it was back up to comfortable drinking temperature.

Anyway, it's time for me to compose my list. I'll post it sometime this week, I suppose so I will have something tangible to look at througout the year.

I survived Christmas 2005...

and all I got was a lousy t-shirt.

I'm kidding...I didn't get a t-shirt. Everyone knows not to buy me clothes. I have to try everything on first. It's a pain in the neck, really. If the top fits, then the pants swim on me. If the pants fit, then the shirt is too small...but I digress...

I finally FINALLY got a coffee grinder! I'm so excited. I've already used it and it works really well. I also got a new coffee pot, and a beverage warmer, a cool gift for someone who gets a cup of coffee and then lets it sit til it's ice cold. I also got a very cool pair of cow slippers, and a bunch of bath/shower gels and lotions. All-in-all it was a nice haul :-;

Diva, as usual, hit the jackpot. She benefited from her father wanting to turn Christmas into a spitting contest. I didn't tell him what I was getting Diva because I was afraid he would go out and get all the stuff I wanted to get her, and leave me scratching my head as to what to get her. This was the first year that we shopped for her separately, at his request. He said that since we were no longer a couple, there was no since in shopping for her as a couple. When I mentioned that we weren't shopping for her as a couple but as her PARENTS, he blew it off and insisted that he was going to buy her what HE wanted with HIS money. Fine. Whatever.

So he got her an electric guitar, a special effects pedal, a guitar lessons book and a MP3 player. I got her a portable DVD/CD/MP3 player, the cell phone she's been begging for, two chairs for her bedroom, a Sims game, and a few other things that I can't remember. She was more than thrilled with her gifts...for which I am glad. Later in the day, the soon-2-b-ex came up to me and said, "I think you won. The only gift of mine that she's messed with is the MP3 player." I replied, "It was never a contest for me. I just get her what she asked for." He interpreted that to mean I was saying he wasn't paying attention to what she wanted and the conversation went downhill from there. I refuse to compete with him where Diva is concerned. And if he had any sense, he wouldn't want to...but this is him we're talking about. sigh

Anyway, even with that, it was a good day. Even the dogs liked their gifts -- chew toys, tug ropes and balls for fetch. If I can figure out how to post pictures, I'm put some up. Diva and I had fun decorating and putting up the tree and stockings for all the member of the family -- 4-legged ones included.

Well, I'm going to go and see if I can figure out this photo posting thing. I hope you and yours had a wonderful day!

Taking a break

from the Christmas Even chaos to have a smoke and post to my blog.  For some reason, I felt compelled to say something.

throughout this whole holiday season, I've had the feeling in the back of my mind that life as I have known it is ending. I've been so busy with work and shopping and checking on my aging parents and taking care of a new puppy and a plethora of other things that I really hadn't had time to ponder it.

Today, while I have been wrapping gifts (why do I ALWAYS wait til the last minute to do that?!?) I had a few moments to think about it, and I think I've figured it out. Things are changing...

This will be the last Christmas where Diva wasn't always a teen. Until her 20's anyway. But let's not go there. What I'm getting at is that she is no longer a kid anymore. Shouldn't be a revelation, but it's a smack in the face nonetheless.

This will be the last Christmas where the three of us are a family unit, dysfunctional family unit that we are. Don't really have a lot to say about that, but then again, I think the statement speaks for itself.

This is the first christmas that I've had more than enough table/counter space to bake to my heart's content.

It's the first Christmas that I've had a mantle on which to hang stockings and garland -- and Christmas Elmo is the centerpiece.

It's the first Christmas that I didn't send out holiday cards. Can't say I miss the tradition.

Most of all, it's the first Holiday season that I didn't have to worry about where the money was coming from to pay for it all. I didn't have to rob Peter to pay Paul. I won't have to use all or most of my tax return to pay off my credit cards. That's a good thing, for sure.

So, yes, things are changing. Nothing will ever be the same again. All in all, I think I'm okay with how things are going and how they are going to be.

Anyway, those are just a few thoughts I've had today. I hope you and yours have a lovely Chirstmas Eve and Christmas Day.

A thought...

Driving him to the apartment complex to sign his lease: $5
Buying him pots and pans for Christmas: $30
Purchasing packing materials and boxes: $15
Finally having him out of my house? PRICELESS!!!!

He moves out on December 31st. Happy New Year to me!

People keep telling me that I'm going to miss him when he's gone. They say that even though I really don't like him and I don't want to be married to him anymore, I'm going to mourn the loss of our marriage. Um..maybe. But I think I got a lot of that out of my system getting myself to the point where I realized it was over. But time will tell -- I'll keep you posted.

Okay...back to decorating stockings...to be hung by the chimney with care...

My last post...

Was supposed to post yesterday. But my modem went kaput last night and my Internet wasn't restored til early this morning. Bleh. Me without Internet access, is not a happy me.

But it's back and I'm posting, so it's all good.

But what makes it better is that....

I'M ON VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12 glorious days of staying up late, sleeping in, sitting around sipping coffee in my pjs, and all the other fun things you get to do when you don't have to be somewhere. I cannot wait.

Jake says I'll be chomping at the bit and bored out of my skull by Tuesday. I told he was trippin'...after all, I have taken this week off every year for five years.

The hard part for me is making myself go back to work. I tend to talk myself out of liking a job on my vacations. But I don't think it's going to happen this time, cuz I'm curious to see what this "busy season" I keep hearing about is like.

But I *am* going to seek out a headhunter and see what's out there, just in case.

But, for now, I'm going to kick back, sip my mocha latte and enjoy the fact that for 12 days I don't have to go anywhere unless I choose to.

Yea me! :-)

One day to go...

and I am on vacation. It can't come soon enough. I work for a company who thinks its more practical to train their employees to work around the flaws in the system than fix the system itself. It makes more sense to pile more responsibility on the proposals writers than to make the other departments do their job correctly. And its much more reasonable to put a quality system in place that penalizes the proposal writer, even though the flaws that could be found in the quality check are completely out of the proposal writer's control.

On top of that, the majority of the proposal writers have kept their collective mouths shut about the issues. They have fell into the "that's just the way it is" philosophy and are just plugging along, taking the indignities that are being tossed at their feet.

Guess who gets to be the lone voice in the wilderness? Go ahead, guess...I'll wait..

***insert Jeopardy theme here***

If you guessed "Who is Kim?" you guessed correctly! It's bad enough I have to threaten to crack skulls and call mothers to get a proposal out the door, but then I have to take the blame for the flaws of the people who can't manage to do their jobs effectively? Uh no. Big problems with that. Huge problems. GIGANTIC problems.

I have several New Years Resolutions. One is to lose 380lbs (350 of it is husband, lol) another is to finish my back yard. I think the third is going to be fid a new job, cuz this crap is getting stupid. How can you expect me to put out a quality proposal if I can't use half the answers in the database that you've told me I *MUST* use? How can you expect me to do my job if I'm dependent on others who decide they don't feel like being bothered? And why should you expect me to dutifully accept a lecture on quality when most of the lecture is based on things not of my control?

Uh no. I think it's time I took my skills and put them to use somewhere that will appreciate them. Question is, does that place exist? I'm starting to wonder.

Yeah...vacation can't come soon enough.

Sometimes I Don't Know Why I Bother...

There are three pivotal men in my life. Well, four if you count my father, but our relationship is pretty well-defined.

Dad: You got gas money? 
Me: Yep
Dad: You got oil?
Me: uh huh
Dad: Still working?
Me: Of course.
Dad: atta girl....

In seven sentence-fragment passages, I know my dad loves me, is proud of me and is thinking about me.

Why can't the other three men in my life be that way?

My day has consisted of the mother of all migraines caused by one man in my life, the second man in my life stepping up and pitching in for me without being asked, and the third blithly ignoring the fact that anything was wrong.

Come to think of it, this really is pretty typical. My "boyfriend" seems to be on a quest to disappoint me at any given opportunity, my best-friend is just that, and the third -- well that's why he's about to be my ex. So I guess it's just par for the course and the migraine is just magifying it.

But it makes me wonder. My boyfriend and soon-to-be-ex are both getting on my nerves, and yet man #2, the "best-friend" is my knight in shining armour. Why am I not attracted to man #2?

Because I'm not. At one time I probably was, but he's made the leap -- from possible relationship material to best-friend fabric. You can go back, but it's risky, and I don't think either of us would be willing to put a friendship on the line for that.

Okay, this post is convoluted and the things I want to get on the page just aren't formulating in my brain properly, so I'm gonna go drink some more green tea and probably head back to bed. Perhaps I'll be able to express myself with more clarity tomorrow.