I'm A Phoenix Rising...Come Fly With Me...

I'm a Survey Junkie

I love taking these things -- wish I could find one that asked questions I haven't answered a million times. Oh well...

Checkin' In

Nothing new to report really. I was offered a new position at work...

I'm back!

Recipe For Reality

11/2 cups tired
toss in a dash of Fed Up With My Job
3/4 cup of "Why did I take on this book project?"
3Tbs. "I'd love to get this divorce done and over with, but SOMEONE is dragging his feet!"
1/2 cup "Don't know how I feel about anything anymore...but wait for me to decide."
2 cups "But how will you survive on your own without a man?" (Also known as "any conversation with my mother")
Stir well...

In case you've been wondering...

...where I've been, I've been around...just really Really REALLY busy! Just recently I decided to...

The Olympics

I'm not of a winter sports fan. I don't like snow. I don't like ice. The idea of spending the afternoon  outside building a snowman leaves me..well cold. From November through March, I want to be like the bear and sleep, waking up only after the temperature is steadily above 60 degrees.

Okay, so I figured I would post something "fluffy" since my last few posts have been full of emotional lead. :-) More strange things about me...

It's been awhile...

The Day After - Again...

Today is faring no better than yesterday. I still feel raw, I’m still reliving things…still not sure I can or want to do this. Not again. I fought so hard to get where I was the first time. Now I have to do it again.

How am I supposed to do this again? I’m back to where I was the day after it happened. Too afraid to close my eyes cuz I see his face. His fucking sick demented look as he’s…

I can smell his sweat. I can hear all the nasty, cruel things he said to me and made me say to him. I can feel him torturing me again…

I don’t know how to make it stop, and I can’t remember how I made it stop the first time.

Fuck.

Fuck

FUCK!

This is so not fair. It wasn’t fair in July, and it’s not fair now.

But that doesn’t really matter, now does it? I could ask all the clichéd questions and give all the platitudes on the planet: “Why do bad things happen to good people?”, “Life’s not always fair”, “Why me?”…

But it won’t change a Goddamned thing.

Bottom line -- it did happen, and like it or not, I am the one who has to deal with the fallout and do the work to recover. It’s not fair and it sucks more than is imaginable, but it’s my life’s truth at the moment so I just need to accept it and move on..

And the only way to move right now is up. Lots of up. Lots.

Yeah.

I guess that’s REALLY why a

Phoenix

has wings…

Slaying the dragon

Those of you who know me and/or read my 100 Things About Me and My Life post know that I endured a traumatic and painful experience back in July, and that the aftershocks of that expereince are still being felt.

Well, I've just had another major aftershock and it's really sent me spinning back down toward the flames that I am trying so desperately to rise from.

I had my fourth HIV test today. I'll get the results back on Wednesday. I'm not really concerned about the test results..my doctor seems confident that if the beginnings of HIV were going to present themselves, they would have by now. Plus, I got it on good authority that "hE" was HIV-free. But just to be safe and to keep an eye on other issues (I also had to have another pelvic exam -- "hE" caused some rather extensive damage, to the point that whether I could have anymore kids was called into question. I'm completely healed and having kids is still possible, so I'm grateful for that.)

So, I'm HIV-free (most likely) and I can still have kids. I should be jumping for joy, right? I should be thanking my H.P. that things didn't turn out differently and that I am still here to blog about it, right?

Then why am I so fuckin' sad, scared and angry?

I know the answer to all three --

WHY I'M ANGRY

"hE" emailed me. To apologize. It seems that part of his "rehabilitation program" requires that he contact all the people he's wronged, apologize and offer to make amends.

In the email he says he has "anger issues" (no SHIT!) and is trying very hard to work through his issues through therapy.

THERAPY

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y!

The bastard raped and tortured me and I'm paying for his therapy (as a taxpayer). And as a special parting gift for playing along...I get to pay for MY therapy too!

That's why I'm angry.

WHY I'M SAD

NOTE - Some transference follows, but cut me some slack, I've had a long six months!

The men in my life vascillate between wanting to slay all my dragons for me and pretending the dragons aren't there and that I'm crazy for seeing them. I love them both dearly, and I cannot imagine where I would be without them...but they just don't get it.

Case in point, I just got off the phone with Rich about an hour ago. I have very little doubt that if it came down to it, Rich would give up his life to save mine. (And no, I'm not gloating...that's just the kind of guy he is!) He asked me how my exam went -- I told him, and then I told him about the email.

Complete and total stoicism. "He's getting the treatment he needs to maybe one day become a productive member of society", he said. "At least our tax money is going for something needed and not to fund a war or bail out a country that will never pay us back!"  He said. (Notice -- His views, not mine, please don't flame me right now.) Then he made helpful 'suggestions' such as I should change my email address and cell phone number, contact the authorities and have me taken off his list and be grateful that he's no longer an active part of society.

I listened to him for a few minutes, then made up an excuse and got off the phone. Then I went down to my car and cried for fifteen minutes. Been crying on and off ever since.

What did I want him to do? Nothing really, cuz there isn't anything he can do. What I wanted was for him to be as outraged as I was. What I needed was for him to put his arms around me, tell me it's okay to be sad and scared, promise me nothing bad would ever happen to me again (yes, lie) and tell me things will be okay. But instead I got a practical how to list to put into use.

I'm thinking I got the reaction i got because he couldn't be with me at the moment and the thought that I was hurting was too much for him to really take, so he went all stoic on me. I want to think that when i do see him he'll be different (he usually is)...but that doesn't make the hurt any less right now.

But in a way, it's not fair to him to have to adjust how he reacts to things. He can only give me what he has, and if that's not enough to appease me, then that is my issue, and perhaps I need to reevlauate the relationship. He didn't ask to deal with this situation any more than I did -- cept he started dating me knowing the baggage I was carrying. And maybe it's selfish of me to expect someone to take all this on...

WHY I'M SCARED

I'm afraid that I will always feel this raw, this vulnerable, this alone in a room full of people. I'm afriad that I will never be completely like the phoenix...that just as I'm about to take complete flight, the flames suck my back down to the ash. I'm afraid that I will never feel completely whole, that it will always seem like a piece of me is missing. I'm afraid I'll forget who ME is. (I am...whatever)

And I'm scared that I now realize something -- no one can slay my dragons for me. They're my dragons and I must slay them. And yeah, that scares the hell out of me. But at least it's a purpose, and now i can work on a plan.

I will fly again...but for now, I'm going to hide inside my wings and protect myself.

~Namaste...and thank you for reading all this. ~